AN EFFECTIVE METHOD TO TEACH A PERSON TO COUNT TO THREE

Let me tell you this curious incident. Misha-land had a rather cold
soggy spring this year, but then hot and muggy summer came with a
vengeance. A few days ago I was about half-way through a long-ish
run. I was drenched in sweat but otherwise was having a good time.

Then, my body reported that I needed to use an, eghem,
port-a-potty. And, unless I like it messy, I had to do it
expeditiously. The nearest civilized location was a couple miles away,
so it had to be done au naturel. The boyscout that I am, I prided
myself in being able to do it in adverse circumstances if the occasion
called for it.

Not thinking much of it, I got off the bike path that I was running
on and dived into the woods. The place turned out to be swampy and
somewhat inhospitable to the business at hand. However, the business
was getting urgenter by the second. I picked the driest spot and went
about the said business. As it turned out, the urgency was fully
justified as the, err, proceedings of the business were quite
substantial.

The most delighted about the situation were the local mosquitoes. They
found my sweat-drenched body supremely attractive. And, since I was
somewhat immobilized, they had an easy time homing in on the most
vulnerable parts. They seem to particularly enjoy the parts that they
usually do not have easy access to.

I realized that I needed to, eghem, wrap up the business as I did not
reciprocate the mosquitoes' affection. As the business was coming to a
close, there appeared a matter of bathroom tissue. I checked but no
Charmin trees were growing nearby. So I had to use  regular
greenery. This being early summer, the pickings were slim. Moreover my,
egem, picking area was somewhat constrained. However, I found some
leafy vines on the ground. The leaves were a bit oily and
smallish, but given the circumstances, I thought they would do.

The problem with small leaves is that before the, err, application,
they have to be carefully arranged in such pattern that no empty spots
remain. My arrangement work was a bit hurried as I had to pay attention
to the mosquitoes' affectionate advances as well.  Anyhow, I completed
the business a bit bloodied. But with my spirit unbent, I resumed
running intent on continuing to have a good time.

However, this was not the end of the story. That night, a certain part
that I had to expose to the mosquitoes and other elements in the woods
started itching. A bit of an itch never hurt anyone, I thought. It
might even build character as a side effect. However, the itching got
worse the next day and night. I was afraid that I might end up with
a bit too much character.

With a bit of bending and mirror arrangement, I examined the part of
my body that I do not get to see often. I have to tell you, the sight
was a lot less pretty than usual: the said part was adorned with rows
of red spots.

It dawned on me that in this country not every green leaf is
necessarily suitable for application as bathroom tissue. I did some
research on the internet.  There is no effective treatment for
poison ivy. The itching might last up to three weeks and the best way
to deal with poison ivy is not to touch it. The children are taught
not to touch three-leaf plants: leaves of three? let it be.

Well, it has been one week so far. I guess I have about two more weeks
to ponder learning to count to three.